What is a "Satin Squares"?

Ahh… umm… yeah… this is going to take some awkward explaining.

A Satin Square is mainly a religious thing.

I’m a white British Atheist.

Okay, but hear me out, this isn’t the standard case of an English person stealing someone else’s culture. You see, I didn’t know it was bad when I originally did it.

My lawyers have asked me to remove that sentence saying something about Nuremburg but, as always, I am ignoring them.

Anyway, here is the story.

About 6 months after creating my channel, I was googling myself to see how the search engine optimisation was going (Because I have actually studied this shit before (surprisingly (seriously have you seen the views on this))).

Anyway, I assumed it was going to be easy to find my channel. Unfortunately, what instead appeared was a variety of tutorials for the correct way to wear various headscarves.

Obviously my first through was:

“Look at all these bastards ruining my channel branding. How is someone meant to Google me now, huh? I had better make my channel even more popular to boost my name to the top”

My second thought was:

“Oh wait shit. If I become famous (and yes that is a big if) then would I be erasing something of importance and significance to various religions and cultures in favour of another English person's own desire for egotistical domination and fame in the halls of history.”

Finally, my ancestors would be proud of me. Makes up for the fact that the bloodline will die with me and my hatred of being screamed at by a wobbly lump of useless flesh demanding food. But enough about my ex wife. {Ba-dum-tish}

Although, I am going to argue that it is okay for this channel to be named this way. Firstly, its not like these garments don’t have other more commonly used names, and secondly its not like I do not also wear something called a “Satin Square”.

Well sometime I call it a bandana, but that makes it sound like I am bursting into a pub with a pistol as the Wetherspoon bouncer won’t let me in without ID.

Sometimes I call it a neck scarf but that makes me sound like an American who has to specify horseback riding or eyeglasses because apparently its not obvious scarfs go around your neck.

And then sometimes I just call it by its Amazon product description.

“I’m wearing Louis Vuitton, how about you?”

“Oh, I’m wearing Plain Satin Square Neck Scarf Mixed Solid Coloured Hanky Handkerchief Neckerchief Head Wraps Scarfs Pocket Square Bandana Men Women Formal Casual Wedding Office Party"

Readers who aren't quickly scanning this text may have noticed the words “satin” and “square” before they remembered they have a "casual wedding office party" to go to.

So the name comes from an Amazon product description, a name which I never really call the clothing item around my neck, but I liked the sound of it, because of the sibilance.

Overall, I wouldn’t say that I am being culturally inappropriate. Just a bit, culturally inconvenient for people choosing specific words to find tutorials online. And in that case, sounds like they would then need better search engine optimization. 'Tis the circle of life.

Now, am I worried that some people may not be too happy with me for this for completely valid reasons, and therefore may try to fight me verbally or physically. No.

And that brings us on to the final key clarification of this part: why do I specifically wear a satin square? That is best explained in the form of a nature documentary.

[Please read in David Attenborough's Voice]

"Animals fight to win many things: territory, a mating partner, a contract to be a basic Hollywood action star. But in all cases, the loser rarely wants to die, especially if they are still a virgin, so there is one universal gesture to show that they yield. We can see this in action as we observe these two flies here engage in combat for dibs on a fly, just over there, with a tea towel on its head so you know its a female.

With that decisive third round of rock-paper-scissors, the loser displayed their neck at the winner. This is seen in many animals as a sign of submission. As the neck is the area predators attack to kill something the quickest, it effectively is a sign that the loser is actively showing that they know the winner could kill them, and that they can do so if it means dying with honour. Not great for keeping the species around though, so most don’t kill the opponent and instead engage in a worse form of humiliation. As an alternative, this winning fly is now teabagging the opponent."

So, what did we learn from that accurate documentary? If you show your neck to anyone, you are a sub. And let me tell you, I ain’t nobody's bitch.

So there we go, very simple. And there is 100% no other potentially queer or mental health reason for this. Don’t start thinking that I am so ridiculously self-conscious about my Adam’s apple, the most visible part of the body that can distinguish that someone is likely male, that I keep it covered to appease my own gender identity. Don’t think about it as I don’t want anyone to mention it again.

The End.

 Author: Joe "Satin Squares"; Instagram: @satin_squares; YouTube: @satinsquares