Well, Colour My Testicles

This is a script I am working on and yet to film...

My favourite colour is blue or as other people call it “Proof I must be a boy”. It may not seem like a big deal, it’s just a colour, that I like. That I think suits me. But to verbally express that simple fact goes against my non-committed relationship to gender.

If I want blue clothes, I have to trudge myself away from looking at crop-tops (usually to a round of applause that the tranny pervert has gone) and into the men’s section, so disgusting bland its kept in the loft of the building where everyone dumps their relics of the past to be forgotten.

You may wonder why they don’t make women’s clothes in blue? Think about it; the most famous woman in blue is Cinderella. She only gets that ball gown after a transformation. TRANSformation. TRANS. Yeah, that’s right. Clearly, she is a trans woman who needs that massive dress to hide her massive dick. Come on, ball gown? Clue is in the bloody name.

It’s a really simple equation: COLOUR = GENITALS, Which is the slogan of every single greeting card company. It’s also championed when we “colour-code” our infants. I mean, surely, logically, the best baby clothes are either white (if you want to know where the piss stains are) or black (if you would rather not).

Anyway, I digress. And so, I go outside in a blue shirt and I see all the conservative’s brains spasm as they draw that single, firm line on their mental whiteboard between Penis and Blue, writing under it with the most elation they have ever felt the phrase “IMMUTABLY MALE”.

It makes me feel like I have failed the first criteria to be non-binary. Blue? The basic bitch boy answer? You know most stereotypical enbies, the horty-torty spiritualists as is the mainstream meme, probably have some obscure specific colour because they are into fashion and art, like cerulean or fuchsia, or the exact pantone of my partner’s nipples which I have represented in this 8 story painting for the Tate (pause for a little haw haw haw haw haw kind of laugh and a patter of claps).

I mean, its’s like that nagging voice in my head saying: “if the fact you failed art GCSE means you can’t spend 5 minutes in a B&Q looking at colour names, at least choose a less basic "basic" colour, you know like… orange?”

Do you know why I don’t? Because nothing good is fucking orange. Come on, you think of things that are blue, you think of the sea, the sky, Daniel Craig’s sexy eyes... mmmmm....

Right sorry… umm... but what comes to mind when you think of orange, umm… oranges… by association tangerines… and then Donald Trump’s testicles. That's everything. That’s your idea of fun visual imagery.

Anyway, blue is simply the best colour, that is why it is claimed by both the Tories’ choice of logo and the liberals’ choice of hair. So there, I like blue, and testicles have nothing to do with that choice, unlike you orange-loving freaks.

 Author: Joe "Satin Squares"; Instagram: @satin_squares; YouTube: @satinsquares